When you are at the end of your rope...

For the past week we have been drenched with sunshine which in itself is a true blessing.  Those tired dreary days of winter are over and even the rainy days of April have passed.  The trees have bloomed....They went from bare to fully dressed before our eyes....The landscapes are full of green grass and beautiful flowers.  Those dreaded dandelions have even returned!   The "mommy bus" has been busier than I had imagined, but at least we have a "mommy bus" and the resources to pay for it.

Lately, I have really been questioning what my role and purpose is in this world.  I have asked God to show my what it is that I should be doing.  My babies are off to school each day and I am left to tend the house and the pets.  With all of this "time" to myself and my house I have realized that I'm missing out on tending my children.  I have become a parent that reacts.  I let my busyness interfere with how I ought to be parenting.  I am selfish.  I want what I want and if that means I don't deal with the tending of my children for a few more minutes I then am forced to react.  "What have I done?" I often ask myself.  Then I tell myself I'll do better next time.  I beg God to give me the strength to be a better mom to not just react, but to be proactive.  To train up little respectful children who love God.  I know I can only do this through God's strength because the "mommy bus" is much too busy these days.   "This is the stuff that gets under my skin".  Take a moment to listen to this song,

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPEQKIpFUwI 

It seems to be my mantra lately.

I know this is the type of "stuff" God uses to change our hearts and our lives.

My babies are far too precious for me to let "my mess" mess them up.  

I want to start fresh like the first buds of spring and bring forth an abundant crop like this!

And yes this is the same tree with great bounty of leaves!

The top of my stairs thus far....

Today my little email reminder to spend time with God was titled "A Place of Thus Far".  

Their have been so many stairs that I have treaded over the course this faith walk that began one evening at that bible study.  Some of the stairs have brought me tremendous joy and other have brought pain that I hadn't planned on.  Each step has not always prompted me to be thankful, lots of the stairs stretched me more that I would have ever imagined.  Today I choose to be thankful for those stairs even though my thus far is not exactly where I expected to be...  I know I'm going to miss some of the stairs, but here goes!

1. The invitation that helped God find me
2. Great friends that supported me and helped me grow as a new believer
3. The love of my life, Matthew
4. A house that we rented for less than our current car payment
5. Building our first home together in our home town
6. God's protection when our Meredith arrived 5 weeks early
7. For our healthy baby boy who was late and 9lbs 6 oz
8. The hedge of protection God placed around Ethan with his numerous food allergies
9. Loosing Matt's Dad, who was also a Dad to me
10. A church family that really was and still is our family
11. Matt's calling to become a Nurse Anesthetist 
12. Major surgery while our house was for sale and taking care of two small kids
13. The house we built that is no longer our home
14. Our new home and all the work that it needed
15. Learning to depend more on one another because we were in a new place
16. Finding a new church
17. Having another surgery
18. Balancing everything while Matt went to school full time and studied to the wee hours
19. Loosing my Dad 
20. Job offers
21. A little cottage in Ocean Grove
22. Matt's new job
23. Kids that are really wonderful and crazy all at the same time
24. A really loving husband
25. Still finding my place in God's plan
26. Friends that come and go
27. God's continued provision

I know I've missed a lot...life has had its up and downs, but through it all He has blessed me tremendously. Even when that stair didn't feel like a blessing at all.   Each stair has brought me closer to God even if things didn't turn out the way I had planned.  

Our physical place is not where we had expected to be, but I am no longer going to let that hold me back from the "thus far" God has planned for me.

How did I get to this place?

I like to get up a little while before the kids and have some quiet time.  I know for some of us it's quiet time before God, but for me if I didn't have these e-mail devotionals sent to me it wouldn't be about that at all.  I'm not very good at maintaining relationships.  I try, but when it seems like it is all my effort I give up and chalk it up to they weren't interested.  But, with God it really can't be that way for me.  I know in my heart He is interested in me, but I have to maintain the relationship. These little messages in my inbox help me to stay focused on my relationship with God.

Yesterday's devotion asked you to recall the ways God has brought me into the place in my relationship with Him.  As I pondered that question, all of could think of was God's desire for me.  You see, my parents did not really bring God into my life for me.  I wasn't raised that way.  My mother is Christmas and Easter Christian and my father was a Passover Jew.  Religion was really only fought over in our home.  And because it really wasn't an important part of either one of their lives, it really wasn't important to me.

When I was 9 years old my parents separated for the last time and this time their marriage was truly over.  I remember the night my dad kneeled by my beside to tell me he was not going to be living with us any more like it was yesterday.  That is the first time I remember coming before God and asking Him to help, to make things right and to change my parents hearts.  I'm not sure I really knew who God was, but I had been reading Judy Blume's "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?"

 Things progressed with my parents divorce and I don't remember God coming through to make things right, so I guess I just gave up.

When I was 13, my cousins were going to a youth group at the church in town and they asked me if I wanted to come along.  So, I did.  At church they talked about this Jesus who loves us.  I wanted to be loved....and at the time I was doing all kinds of things to find love that were not exactly good.  I was very interested in this love that Jesus could give me.  After about a year of going to youth group and getting more and more involved the leader invited me to a bible study.  At that bible study, I remember the leader, Mike Badger asking each kid if they really knew Jesus and if we wanted to invite him into our hearts.  At first it was a little awkward as I watched him go to each kid and look them in the eye with sincere love for them.  When it was my turn, I felt it.  I felt my need for Jesus.  It still amazes me that God wanted me, even though I was so broken.

That is the beginning of how I got to this place.  There are so many more steps on my staircase, and many more to come.  I am so thankful for my twin cousins for inviting me to that church youth group and ultimately helping God find me.

Here's a picture of many of the people who helped me get to the place where I am at now!
photo.php

Mondays...

After Friday's craziness and all that came along with it.  The kids enjoyed a beautiful warm sunny day.  All of their neighborhood friends were out and about, lots of running and hiding, and fun.   I think that sunny warm day chased away their attitudes and mine too!

On Saturday, we went to visit my best friend from college and their children who are older than mine, which makes for built in babysitters.  The kids all really do enjoy each other's company too, making life a whole lot easier.  Everyone was happy...sweet little children, happy parents, the way my idealistic family looks like!

But unfortunately, Monday comes.  And mom has rules, no TV before school, and a little persistent boy decides he is going to see if he can wear his momma down.  Where did my little idealistic family go?    Oh well, maybe next Monday will go better!  In the meantime, I really want it to be a good week!  Despite this rainy Monday.   I usually plan our menu on Monday and shop for the week.  Those weeks go really well.  So after the kids were safely off to school this is what I have planned for the week....

Monday- Spaghetti with Meatballs

Tuesday- Beef Florentine Pasta with Basil and Cream
       http://picky-palate.com/2008/03/31/beef-florentine-pasta-soup-with-basil/

Wednesday - Garlic Chicken Pasta with Spinach
       http://recipeshoebox.blogspot.com/2010/03/garlic-chicken-pasta-with-spinach.html

Thursday-   Rustic Italian Tortellini Soup
        http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/Rustic-Italian-Tortellini-Soup

Friday-     Leftovers

Saturday-  Prime Rib from Trader Joe's, with grilled veggies and potatoes

Everyone likes when our menu is posted!  This is what it looks like!  I write what I don't have in the house on the side, so I make sure that I have everything I need!

It's going to be a good week, not just because the menu is planned.....

It's been a long week...

The kids have been home at 12:30 all week long.  I love half days, there seems to be so much extra time in the day, not for "me" actually, but for "me and the kids."  We haven't really done anything extrodinary, but we've played baseball, and they have rode their bikes and we have just sat and talked.  We've put off an important school project all week to enjoy the sunshine and warmer tempatures.   It's really been a beautiful week!  Today being the most beautiful of all, not just because it's Friday and it's going to be over 70 degrees, but because we were going to ride bikes to school, which the kids have been missing all winter.


Today of all days, they chose to have some physical confrontations with each other before school.  Why?  I don't know.  I wish I could read their little minds.  I wish I could see into their hearts.  

 I'm a idealist,

 a person who cherishes or pursues high or noble principles,purposes, goals, etc

I look at the world through those idealistic lenses, if we could all just get on the same page the world would be a better place.  I want to fix things, I plan things, I'm optimistic.  But when it comes to my kids I know that there are just some things that they have to learn from experiences.  I can plan it out all of want, but I can only do the my best and the rest I have to give to God.  So this morning when they were involved in their conflict I was somewhat apprehesive to intervene.  They had to learn how to solve this conflict.  I did help a little...and I wouldn't have planned it to end the way it ended.  It ended with us riding our bikes to school, and I think we all were happy. It's been a long week....but I wouldn't have planned it any other way. 

Parenting a "Tween" girl

This is my Meredith at the age of 3...I know we look alike, we even act alike.  She is a lot of fun...At the age of 3 she danced, played school, put on shows, played pretend and entertained us all with her sometimes shy personality.  I remember days the days of chasing after my 3 year old and taking care of my 6 month old.  I remember wishing away those years, just yearning for sleep and to have it a little "easier".  Oh those were the days, and how I wish I could rewind a bit and press pause on those years.

We had lots of fun tap dancing in the living room and Meredith even shared her old tap shoes with her little brother and he too danced and performed for us in the the living room.  Those were the days.....

Now I have an almost 10 year old tween daughter who performs violin concerts instead.  I really don't mind that part of the tween years.  It's the 4th grade peer pressure that sends me into a tail spin.  "Mom, this one and that one have a cell phone, how come I can't have one?  How old do I have to be?  I don't like talking on the house phone, you limit my time!  Mom, my friends "hang out" at Marple on Friday nights, I want to go....why not?  I'm the only one...."

All of these I'm ready to grow up statements and requests that I am just not ready for.  I remember 4th grade, and it wasn't all that long ago:)  Boys were gross, I hung out at my best friend Sherry's house, but that was the extend of it.  I think my Mom took us roller skating about once a month.  Those were the good old days I guess.  Kids actually had to call your house and talk to your Mom before they got to talk to you.

Last night my tween informed me that she no longer wanted to spend her Friday nights at Cub Scouts where Matt and I lead Ethan's Tiger cub den.  My response, "Well I don't want to spend my Friday nights arguing with you over things that I already said no to!"  Not sure if that was the best response, but I'm not perfect!

I'm praying ALOT!  I'm asking God to give her the heart of obedience.  I asking God for her to love our home and our family and for her to want to have her friends over.  I asking for God's hedge of protection to surround her when she is out in the world!  I do know for certain that she will have a positive influence on her peers.  She does love God and she does want to do the right things.  God does answer prayer!

In the mean time, can I just rewind a bit.....

Or at least be almost 10 for a little longer?

A little window into my world....

There are a few people in my life that I love and respect that are willing to share their lives with the world.  I have learned so much from them and their experiences.   They are brave... I'm not sure they worry about what other people think.  I'm hoping to be one of those people.  I have been enjoying sharing a little of who I am on facebook, but have always wanted to share a little bit more of me.

I'm not perfect, our family isn't perfect, I just know how to use the edit button.

I have been reading a few pages at a time of a great book titled, "the DNA of Relationships" by Dr. Garry Smalley.  It was a gift from my Aunt, it was actually a group gift, each married woman received one for Christmas.

On the back of the book, it asks you if you are "repeating the same mistakes in your relationships?"

My answer, yes.  

I stink at relationships actually....

I give up easily...

I want it my way...

I want to be accepted...

Some things this book is teaching me.....

1.  How to change the fear dance

2.  How to become the CEO of my life

3.  How to recruit assistants

4.  How to forgive and heal relationships

5.  How to create a safe environment 

This week, I'm reading about how to keep my battery charged.

I'm learning how my emotions are "God's information system for me."  How they are trying tell me something important.  

I feel "emotional" often.  I don't often wear my emotions on my shirt sleeve, I'm learning how to manage this and let people inside my wall.